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How to rise (your enemy’s blood pressure) in SoloQ

How to rise (your enemy’s blood pressure) in SoloQ

A friendly guide on how to win the psychological war that is waged on a daily basis in League of Legend’s SoloQ

League of Legends – or just League for those of you who are familiar with the game, also known as LoL in France – is a game developped and published by Rito Games on October the 27th of 2009. One could be led to believe that League is just another version of DotA (Defense of the Ancients) but please, do not be fooled. This dubious Moba (Multiplayer Online Battle Arena) does not consist of two teams of five players but rather of a big giant Battle Royale where all that remotely resembles teamwork or skill is thrown out the window at the benefit of swear words, intensive use of capslock and ballsy-verging-on-stupid plays.

This article’s goal is to help you get by the heavy psychological warfare that is Ranked SoloQ. There will be no question of ARAM, Dominion, or other game modes for faggots but there will be blood, toil, tears, testosterone and a good deal of insults before you reach the ultimate goal : make the others ragequit, be it enemies or even allies.

Are you sick and tired of your ranking ? Are you weary of being stuck down in elohell ? Do you feel the urge to rip apart every single guide advising players to be nice to one another, advocating teamwork, words of congratulation, warnings of « ss mid » whereas the only relevant thing here is that your stupid teammates won’t let you carry the game ? Then this article is all you folks have been waiting for. Fasten your seatbelts and prepare yourselves for a salutary dose of alpha male pheromones : challenjour, here we come !

 

Elohell : A Definition

 

So what is elohell ? The word « elohell » was first coined by a bunch of frustrated players eager to find a perfect excuse for their awful performances in League of Legends. If you are still not satisfied as to where your ranking stands after thousands of hours playing ranked then please, continue to blame the lousy teammates you were forced to play with. Self-analysis ? Re-assessing your own performances ? What are those words ? Let us be clear : this is not an article that will teach you how to last-hit a minion, how to use wards, how to understand the game or even look at the map (yes, I know, shocking news, this game does come with a map.) League of Legends’ streamers are now very keen on comparing their teammates to a whole wide range of monkeys in order to better divert the viewer’s attention from a failed flash or intensive feeding. Apart from the fact that monkeys, who are indeed very intelligent mammals, may very well feel rightly insulted, this kind of behaviour exudes hypocrisy so hard, one may actually wonder if said streamers have not yet read this guide.

 

 

Are you feeling irritated already ? Good. Now is the time to really get started and dive into the wonders of matchmaking.

 

Champ Select

 

Just like foreplay, Champ select is probably the most important part of any game you will ever play in League of Legends. Indeed, Champ select will decide everything, from team synergy to picks and bans, and, no, actually, we don’t give a crap about all these things. The one and only thing that is of any importance in Champ select is to know if you will get the role you crave and carry this goddamn team to victory or if you will be forced to play a sub-standard role like jungler or, even worse, support.

There are two rules of thumb any decent player should know about Champ select :

– pick order
– calling your role first

So, be quick about it and tailor your strategy according to where you stand in pick order. If you aren’t first pick, there is really nothing to worry about. Several options may enable you to call dibs on the role you need to carry your team to victory.

Spamming the chat with countless « mid » may very well solve the problem. Your best argument is, of course, the fact that you called mid first, which makes you undoubtedly and fully entitled to go mid and no one has the right to challenge your privilege.

– If your teammates have the nerve not to agree with your righteous call, this is the time for your secret weapon. Just write a simple but deadly « mid or afk » and watch your teammates go berserk. If they still challenge your right to go mid, you can also state that you do not have the proper runes to play any other role than mid. This should do the trick. And please remember this vital piece of information : six years after League of Legends was first launched, it is still not possible to report a player before the game actually starts, so feel free to rave about, insulting everyone as you are not in the least bit worried by any sort of retribution. Afraid of being banned ? Why would you ? Do people actually take the time to report toxic players ? Does Rito take the time and effort to actually read players’ complaints ? Nah, mate, you are as safe as can be.

– If, in spite of all the good will you have so generously and genuinely displayed, you are still not given mid, you can now shift to threatening to be a proper troll once you will all be in game. Or even state the ultimate argument : you are a smurfing Diamond/ Master/ Challenger, and these petty players should fear your divine wrath.

You should also make sure to force your own vision of the game on all your teammates by telling them which champion they should pick. League of Legends is not a game but a constant path to victory, so there is no room for fun or even freedom of pick. No, you play to win and to spam Lee Sin, Thresh and Fizz in every one of your games because only through victory may players feel fulfilled.

 

A good example of how player Talon Jungle asserts his manliness while remaining courteously sarcastic

A good example of how player Talon Jungle asserts his manliness while remaining courteously sarcastic

 

Now that you have landed the leadership of your team, it is time to go down in Summoner’s Rift and get serious.

 

In Game

 

While the game loads, do not hesitate to look up your enemies’ ranking in order to have an excuse ready if you get killed 1v1 on your own lane. Your enemy only plays Riven or Fizz ? He’s a one-trick pony and your life is so unfair. Have a nice playlist ready and do not cover your own part of the jungle. Invading is for the weak and you can manage without.

If one of your stupid allies dies at the beginning of the game, have a go at him in order to revive a healthy strain of anxiety in the heart of your allies, especially if your lane opponent gets first blood. A simple « ff20 » or « gg » should do. Never forget that you are a team leader and the centrepiece of your squad : you can demand ganks as soon as you reach level 2 and harass your team with the blessed help of resentful pings (note the use of the plural, this is a hint) whenever you need help.

Every once in a while, you will die in League of Legends. Instead of using the allocated time to reply to this particular girl on Facebook, use it to keep the focus of your team high. As you are stuck at the Fountain by your death timer and cannot therefore play, make the most of the time at your disposal to not look at the map and warn your allies of possible dangers, but to torment said allies and attack their self-esteem. Here are a few useful examples :

« WTF, why is that Lee Sin mid again ? Can you fucking start ganking Elise ???? »
« nice ss retard toplaner, Rengar just killed me mid again »
« retard team again… »
« do we have a jungler ? »
« this bot/top/jungler is so heavy to carry… »
« /all fucking noob i got lag »
« /all Three people mid again to stop me ? Lol fucking noobs »

 

ShadowMaster3000 has obviously not read our guide but displays tremendous efforts to get there thanks to the impressive number of insults

ShadowMaster3000 has obviously not read our guide but displays tremendous efforts to get there thanks to the impressive number of insults

 

/All is a decisive weapon in League of Legends, as it enables you to address your enemies. Taunting your enemy after taking first blood at his expense or setting your jungler to camp his lane may very well make a fourteen year-old go mad. Take a moment to reflect on this as you finish off little Kevin, as more yelling on his part may very well lead to Mummy unplugging the broadband.

Rito has also enabled a very annoying (and thus very strategic) feature : Ctrl+6. Thanks to this feature – that you can spam to your heart’s content thanks to a set button on your gaming mouse – you can make everyone go mad at the sound of irritating noises from which none will escape. Thirty seconds of poking fun at your enemy will make him grow annoyed and make your matchup way more accessible.

In spite of all your efforts your team still does not listen to you and the whole game is slowly going downhill ? It is time for you to start thinking about making up excuses to emerge from this defeat with untouched panache.

 

Making up excuses

 

The clock is ticking away and the fateful first twenty minutes are looming over your whitewashed team. If a surrender vote ever appears you should vote no every single time. Never surrender ! No because you cannot lose – or even have the slighest chance of eventually winning this particular game – but because it gives you three more minutes of spreading cancer and Ebola to the rest of your team. Here are a few tips to make your allies’ life miserable and to make sure to have the revenge you deserve over those who have made you lose an easy game.

If you must insist on last-hitting all alone on your lane or in the enemy jungle, let everyone know that it’s all your team’s fault. If one of your companion of misfortune has the presomptuousness of complaining, just answer with a perfunctory « I don’t care anymore, dude ». It’s simple, it’s effective, and it has the merit of conveying the fact that you are way too cool for this game and that your team should be honored of simply seeing their names next to yours. By far.

You have been wise and sensible during the first twenty minutes as well as in the lobby, it is now time to let loose your inner League of Legends asshole. You can start with a classic « tg fdp » in French (stfu son of a bitch) when an ill-behaved player has the nerve to reply. Keep going at the reckless fellow in French as it is the favourite language of toxic players, with sweet words as « consanguin, atrophié du cerveau et chenapan » (inbred, brainless dumbass, or mongrel). If you haven’t won your ranked game, at least you will have spread some sweet French loving and excellent mentality and fair-play harboured by the French. Let’s face it, to be French is a unique chance that most would envy. With our fabulous culture and beautiful language, wouldn’t it be a shame to not convert the non-believers to our most beloved flag ? French-speakers will know : you may try to be cunning by using broken French or text message spelling, you will always be immediately identified as French. Or, as some put it with style and refined taste : « gg french noob surrender » or « white flag pussy retard ». Because it doesn’t count to have so brilliantly defeated almost every stupid European country that exists out there, fucking blitzkrieg that took place 70 years ago is still what defines us in the eyes of the envious.

 

Cleek_Images_Jeuxvidéo_France_Meme

 

So if you wish to trashtalk your teammates, do not hesitate to address them directly in French, you can be sure this will have the desired effect to irritate them even further. And anyway, if you are, indeed, French, anyone knows how bad you are in English, so no need to ridicule yourself in a foreign language, only spoken by beer-indulging half-idiots from the other side of the Channel. Let’s have a look at all the fabulous tools at your disposal :

– « mdr » : the French counterpart of the now famous Russian cyka blyat, will make you seem like a manly opponent to any decent League of Legends player out there

– « tg fdp » : an all-time classic, very easy to place in any given game to insult a Rengar, a Vayne, a Riven, or anyone who would dare enter any argument with you.

– « ntm non ? » : NOT a reference to a French rap group.

– « jajajajajajajaja » : if you want to make people turn against another annoying nationality.

Try not to use too many uppercase letters, it will only make you look like a fake troll and you will lose precious minutes trying to place the proper accents instead of using the allocated time to do what you do best : make people mad. To insult people is within reach of any average player, but to insult people with class is the privilege of the great, so make good use of your French, you bunch of illiterate idiots.

It is now time for us to reach our conclusion. Let us remind all of you out there that to piss people off will probably not make you a better League of Legends player, but you may very well unlock an incredible achievement : to get yourself banned. And to thus become a free man/ woman. You will then be able to go out, meet people, until you get sick of it and give in to the temptation of creating/ buying yet another account. It is a truth universally acknowledged that Rito is too focused on getting players hyped around an umpteenth cute skin for Teemo or Lulu to even care that it still takes forever to get your account from level 1 to 30. Meanwhile, no one tackles seriously the issue of eloboost or the worrying fact that in-game toxic behaviour from players should be so widespread and pervasive.

Original text in French : David « Niks » Chaillou
Translation : Roxane « Lenvy » Saint-Anne

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@Niksounet

Rédacteur couteau-Suisse, cynique dans l'âme et fanboy sporadique.

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